There are a number of misconceptions about narcissists and the people they are attracted to. A common misconception is that they look for people who aren’t confident and have low self-esteem or are emotionally dependent.
The opposite is true: they are attracted to strong people as it fits in with a narcissist’s traits of grandiosity and confidence. These traits however mask deep insecurities.
Strong people are however either naturally strong or they have grown strong as a result of circumstances. People who have faced challenges and have gone through trauma in their lives often get to the other side far stronger. They don’t emerge from this without scars and there are often many emotional needs that would have gone unmet in the process.
A narcissist has the ability to recognize that you have these unmet emotional needs, zones in on them and provide them for you. That is how you can get reeled in by what they offer. They then make sure that they are the only ones who can meet that need for you and in that way a narcissist keep control over you.
Strong and confident people are often intimidating to potential partners, but narcissists are able to sweep them off their feet. Most of the time they can come across as being very interested in the interests of their partners.
They adapt to this with speed and ease. The charade is also kept up long enough and there is enough authenticity in it to solidify relationships, especially in the early stages.
Are narcissists attracted to strong people?
They are especially attracted to strong and confident people. It might seem counterintuitive but partnering up with someone who is self-assured also fuels their needs.
If it can add to the persona that they are portraying in society, it is exactly what they want. To accomplish this they will go to great lengths to become the partner that person always wanted. However they may only be the perfect partner while it serves their own needs, and can change on a whim
What is it about me that attracts narcissists?
Although the answers below don’t cover all of the reasons, you might find that some of them will hit fairly close to home.
Some of the type of people that they are most attracted to are:
- A person who will reflect well on them in the eyes of others
- A person who will make them feel good about themselves
- An individual who impresses others – this can come in many forms, which includes a successful career, a unique talent or wealth
- A person who overlooks their flaws
- Someone who wouldn’t leave them while the narcissistic abuse is going on
- An individual who validates their feelings
If this sounds all too familiar to you, then there is a good chance that you are in a relationship with a narcissist.
How a counsellor can help
The traits that were discussed are classic signs of a narcissistic personality. If you are in a relationship where you think that your partner might be one, it might be good to seek the help of a counsellor.
When you work with a counsellor you would be able to equip yourself with tools to set boundaries and expectations. When you clarify your relationship needs in this way, it will make it easier to keep the relationship healthy and balanced.
Doing this at an early stage in the relationship will make it easier to make a clean break if the relationship is not sustainable. The longer you stay together, the more difficult it will become to walk away.
In some rare cases, narcissists can work with a counsellor to help them develop healthier habits but this doesn’t happen often. It might be worth discussing with your partner if you feel strongly about the relationship and want to make it work.